I am very conflicted.
Part of me still believes in fairytales, happy endings, true love…The other part, the one that has experienced disappointments, betrayals, emotional abuse..that part mocks my hopeful innocent nature. It is a constant struggle between the two.
My experiences with love, marriage, relationships have left me tainted. I have become cynical. I can’t help but roll my eyes when I watch weddings, wedding dresses, happy young couples.. I get reminded of how innocent I was at the time. I thought I would live happily ever after…yet the hard truth knocked my innocent self to the floor and trampled it!! My cynical self says in an experienced voice: “Don’t be silly!! Love doesn’t exist! Love is but an illusion! You were never loved.. you were used to feed his ego! Men lie, they cheat, they use your innocence and trust..They are all the same!!”
My cynical self wasn’t completely wrong. Over the past few years after my divorce, I have continued to be disappointed by men and love. Yet, my little trampled hopeful self keeps coming back..It doesn’t give up! It keeps whispering in my ear: “Be patient! Love exists. Just wait and you’ll see..You only need one good man in that sea of men! There will be a man who will love you and restore your faith in love. You will finally know how mutual love feels like. You will trust your feelings again! Just don’t give up..”
So, here I am now. Some days, my cynical self still wins the argument. But my hopeful innocent self is weak yet persistent. It doesn’t give up on me. Its whisperings are getting stronger and I hear them more often. Lately, I find myself more hopeful yet not desperate. After all, my cynical self taught me that maybe I am looking for an illusion..so I don’t allow my hopeful self to win completely. The struggle is still there..but I am rooting for my hopeful self. My innocence may be gone…but my hope is still there.