Now, how many people tell you that?? “Oh, you’re looking too hard. Just relax and let go. You’ll see.. You’ll meet him when you stop looking, when you least expect it!” And I look at them and think: “Really?? Like where? He’ll show up in my living room?” Yes, yes, I know. This is not a positive attitude.
There’s two ways of looking at this.
I can continue to go out, try online dating ( it sucks by the way), and keep looking.. I keep looking for this guy.. THE guy that will be THE ONE! The guy that will prove to me that love exists. He will choose me without doubt or excuses. He will love me, body and soul, even the darkest and saddest pieces of my soul. And by some cosmic coincidence, I will love him too, more than I ever thought was possible. Above all, our love will have a future..everything will fit! A deep emotional, physical and intellectual connection…. Wait a second.. This sounds like a fairytale!!!
Or, I can stop looking and believe that fate ( or whatever..) will bring him to my door if it’s meant to be. I become content and happy being single and loving myself ( still not sure what that means, but will explore that topic another day). In the mean time, I say what I hear from other women: “Girlfriends are the best. Books, dogs, cats….” But maybe in reality, they have given up and they don’t want to admit it!!
Here is the thing: I DON’T WANT TO STOP LOOKING! I lived most of my life experiencing a love that did not exist, a mediocre kind of love…It wasn’t love at all, it was narcissistic love or more accurately narcissistic abuse. You see, I don’t want to continue living not knowing how true love feels like, how amazing that intense connection can be, both physically and spiritually. Yet, I have this fear, this doubt… What if love is an illusion, a fantasy? What if I never find it or it never finds me? Then, what about the present moment? Do I hold out or do I have casual fun? I don’t know…
“What a shame that the girl who once believed in fairytales and magic had to be struck by reality with demons in her mind and the fear of never being loved.” K.F.