My exhusband is getting remarried and I feel nothing!!

My exhusband of 20 years is getting remarried this weekend. Wow!! I should be devastated or at least feel something…and yet I feel nothing.

Am I normal? Have I blocked my emotions to protect myself? Have I really dealt so well to the point of feeling nothing towards him? Do I wish him happiness? To be perfectly honest, no, I don’t care less wether he’s happy or not.  Actually, I may even prefer if he was not happy.

As I drove my kids to the airport to go attend their father’s wedding for the weekend (along with their new shoes and new haircuts..), it dawned on me.

This is what hurts. My children will sit there at this wedding listening to speeches and declarations of how he’s never been happier and more in love. They will listen to their vows and promises. The promises of a man who broke every promise to their mother. This man, their father, their role model is standing there marrying the woman who he betrayed me with. By doing that, he makes a mockery of our marriage, the marriage and life  that resulted in the birth of my beautiful innocent children.

And..this is the man they look up to. This is the man who is slowly but surely breaking his promises to them as well and they are beginning to see it. This is what hurts.

The Hopeful Cynic – A Constant Struggle

Struggle

I am very conflicted.

Part of me still believes in fairytales, happy endings, true love…The other part, the one that has experienced disappointments, betrayals, emotional abuse..that part mocks my hopeful innocent nature. It is a constant struggle between the two.

My experiences with love, marriage, relationships have left me tainted. I have become cynical. I can’t help but roll my eyes when I watch weddings, wedding dresses, happy young couples.. I get reminded of how innocent I was at the time. I thought I would live happily ever after…yet the hard truth knocked my innocent self to the floor and trampled it!! My cynical self says in an experienced voice: “Don’t be silly!! Love doesn’t exist! Love is but an illusion! You were never loved.. you were used to feed his ego! Men lie, they cheat, they use your innocence and trust..They are all the same!!”

My cynical self wasn’t completely wrong. Over the past few years after my divorce, I have continued to be disappointed by men and love. Yet, my little trampled hopeful self keeps coming back..It doesn’t give up! It keeps whispering in my ear: “Be patient! Love exists. Just wait and you’ll see..You only need one good man in that sea of men! There will be a man who will love you and restore your faith in love. You will finally know how mutual love feels like. You will trust your feelings again! Just don’t give up..”

So, here I am now. Some days, my cynical self still wins the argument. But my hopeful innocent self is weak yet persistent. It doesn’t give up on me. Its whisperings are getting stronger and I hear them more often. Lately, I find myself more hopeful yet not desperate. After all, my cynical self taught me that maybe I am looking for an illusion..so I don’t allow my hopeful self to win completely. The struggle is still there..but I am rooting for my hopeful self. My innocence may be gone…but my hope is still there.

Lazy Summer Mornings

Summer vacations have started…

In my house with two teenagers, that means lazy quiet weekend mornings. My teenagers like to sleep in sometimes till noon. I have to admit that I enjoy these quiet hours with no demands or arguments. My free quiet time.. I can do so much in those quiet hours.

Choices, choices, choices..

I can have breakfast in bed and read. I can paint, draw, meditate, exercise, write in my blog, watch some silly TV show, clear clutter, fold laundry, do so many other things or the most popular way to waste time..get on Facebook!

Today, I decided to write (oh and I’m also on Facebook at the same time).

Part of me wishes that I was a morning person and more efficient. In reality, I am not a morning person either. I’ve never been..I guess I’m just like my kids after all. I love sleeping in..I need those hours to make up for the amount of restless tossing and turning during the night. You see, I am an over thinker at night, daydreamer during the day.. (I read this somewhere and loved it..so me!!)

My lazy mornings are my necessary transition from night to day. Sometimes I feel guilty about that and sometimes I think I should be more gentle with myself.

I am living in the moment and I don’t care

I was driving home last night and this realization came upon me: I am living in the moment!!! And I don’t care about tomorrow or any worries about the future. To some this may seem like an easy thing to do. To me, this is HUGE!!!

You see for someone like me, who had her whole world turned upside down a few years ago when my narcissist ex-husband walked out, struggled with a difficult divorce process, anxiety, insomnia, worries for my kids and I, dealing with an unknown future… I could go on and on…LIVING IN THE MOMENT IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!

Best of all, it happened naturally. As I was driving and reflecting on my beautiful evening of wine and intimate moments, I realized that I didn’t think of anything else that evening. I just enjoyed every little detail of my evening..wine, snuggling on the couch, laughing, the intensity of his eyes, …

I don’t care anymore about my perfect vision of an ideal future and an ideal love. There is no such thing or maybe there is..I don’t care!! I refuse to worry about it!

All I have is now. NOW, I am happy..

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Happiness is Precious Moments

Somebody asked me the other day if I was happy. I had to stop and think about that question for a few minutes. I realized that despite all the anxiety and hardships of the past few years since my divorce, despite the fact that I still haven’t reached my career and relationship goals, that.. Yes.. I am Happy!!

For me, happiness is not a constant state of being, but it is in precious moments and experiences that I would not give up!!

The first time I experienced the thrill of kissing someone new..oh, the big goofy smile I had on my face driving all the way home. I felt alive!!

A simple unexpected afternoon picnic under the pier at the beach, just enjoying someone’s company.

The first time I did something totally new and out of character..

The thrill of a new adventure wether it’s as simple as riding a roller coaster or paddle boarding…

Sharing an intellectually stimulating conversation with someone and learning new ideas.

Accomplishing a goal I set to myself..

Throwing paint on a canvas outdoors with a spontaneous friend..

Something simple like the butterflies of a first kiss under a lamppost, holding hands in a movie theater or just watching a sunset..

A pizza and wine dinner with a new friend sitting on the steps of a yet unfurnished house..

The excitement of getting a dance right and learning to relax into it.. The high I get from dancing with an amazing dance partner..

The new courage and independence of my new beautiful life.. Even in the midst of chaos, I found beauty and happiness.

As I look back at these moments, I realize that none of these were planned or expensive. Yet,  these are the happy moments that come to mind.  These are memorable moments that stirred new feelings in me, touched my soul and made me feel alive!! So, here I am, just going day by day, accumulating more of these little bits of happiness.

 

 

Am I a Party Girl?

Lately, I’ve been going out dancing quite a bit. However, this leaves me wondering wether I give the impression that I am a party girl. By party girl, I mean “a girl or woman who is interested in little else besides attending parties” per dictionary.com.

Dancing is my chosen form of exercise and stress relief. It gives me a sense of freedom and joy that I have not experienced before. I have not grown up as a dancer, this is a challenge that I have given myself.. Something new and fun outside of my comfort zone.

Now, I don’t go to every party. I don’t stay out till the party ends.  I don’t even drink..I just dance!! I have heard though how guys perceive party girls and how they do not take them seriously. I don’t want to be seen like that. After all, there is so much more to me than dancing!!

Then, what am I?? Why do I go dancing so much even if I am exhausted?  I go dancing because at times I’m just too lonely. Dancing can always fill my weekends, it is an escape from my reality, my problems, my worries and my stress. It is my addiction, my drug.. Obviously, that’s not a bad drug to be addicted to. A wonderful friend once told me: “You don’t smoke? You don’t drink? You don’t do drugs? You dance??? Now, how is that bad????”

Dancing fills a void. Everyone on that dance floor has a void to fill and a story to tell. I may not know everyone’s story, but sometimes you can catch glimpses of it in their eyes. I think if anyone looks closely enough in my eyes, they can tell.. She’s not a party girl, she’s a lonely sad girl who needs her temporary escape and she hides it behind her beautiful smile.  And sometimes, just sometimes, it works so well that I smile all the way back home and into the next day. Yes, I can never give up dancing. Dance got me through the most difficult days of my life and surrounded me with wonderful new friends.

It’ll happen when you least expect it!

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Now, how many people tell you that?? “Oh, you’re looking too hard. Just relax and let go. You’ll see.. You’ll meet him when you stop looking, when you least expect it!” And I look at them and think: “Really?? Like where? He’ll show up in my living room?” Yes, yes, I know. This is not a positive attitude.

There’s two ways of looking at this.

I can continue to go out, try online dating ( it sucks by the way), and keep looking.. I keep looking for this guy.. THE guy that will be THE ONE! The guy that will prove to me that love exists. He will choose me without doubt or excuses. He will love me, body and soul, even the darkest and saddest pieces of my soul. And by some cosmic coincidence, I will love him too, more than I ever thought was possible. Above all, our love will have a future..everything will fit! A deep emotional, physical and intellectual connection…. Wait a second.. This sounds like a fairytale!!!

Or, I can stop looking and believe that fate ( or whatever..) will bring him to my door if it’s meant to be. I become content and happy being single and loving myself ( still not sure what that means, but will explore that topic another day). In the mean time, I say what I hear from other women: “Girlfriends are the best.  Books, dogs, cats….” But maybe in reality, they have given up and they don’t want to admit it!!

Here is the thing: I DON’T WANT TO STOP LOOKING! I lived most of my life experiencing a love that did not exist, a mediocre kind of love…It wasn’t love at all, it was narcissistic love or more accurately narcissistic abuse. You see, I don’t want to continue living not knowing how true love feels like, how amazing that intense connection can be, both physically and spiritually. Yet, I have this fear, this doubt… What if love is an illusion, a fantasy? What if I never find it or it never finds me?  Then, what about the present moment? Do I hold out or do I have casual fun? I don’t know…

“What a shame that the girl who once believed in fairytales and magic had to be struck by reality with demons in her mind and the fear of never being loved.” K.F.

 

Am I looking for Mr. Extraordinary?

I made a new friend this week. A mutual friend of ours from out of town introduced us. Now, making a new friend outside of my usual social circle is extraordinary in itself!!!

I made a promise to myself recently that I will be open to meeting new people with no expectations. So, I was very happy that we got along great on an intellectual level.

The third time we met, he made me an amazing salad for lunch. Fennel and avocados are my favorites. We had a great time chatting about all sorts of topics and he was nice enough to help me set up my new blog. I had a great afternoon. I said goodbye and gave him a quick friendly hug on my way out.  Now, I can read a man’s body language and I knew he wanted a better hug!!

Sure enough, as we texted later on, he was direct and asked me if I was in the market for a lover!!! Now, I totally appreciate the direct approach..it is quite refreshing. I countered with my direct answer: “No, thank you! I am looking for more than a lover. I want a boyfriend!”

Don’t get me wrong.. There is nothing wrong with having a lover. Being the new me, living by my own rules, I had already tried that. As a result, I know for sure that having a lover is not right for me at this time.  I am looking for a deeper connection, emotional, physical and intellectual. I want a man to treat me as a priority.. A girlfriend!! Not a hook up, not just sex, not friends with benefits!! I want more! Is that too much to ask for nowadays??? It seems like it is.

Being an attractive young looking woman over forty, I get lots of male attention. But it’s all shallow attention..

Hey, wanna be my lover?

You’re beautiful and smart, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

Wanna have safe fun?

I’m looking for something casual.

You are really cool, but I’m emotionally unavailable..

I could go on and on. Bottom line, it is very difficult nowadays to find a man around my age that has his shit together, that is somewhat attractive, who happens to be looking for what I am looking for and is not going after women in their twenties… Add to this list, oh..and we must have mutual chemistry!

I am not looking for Mr. Extraordinary here. I am simply looking for a kind and honest man that I am attracted to that can potentially be my partner ( boyfriend..whatever you want to call it). I know it exists. I am also realistic enough to know that the odds are not in my favor. At this point, I don’t care. I know what I’m looking for.

I know I am not extraordinary right now, but I’m on my way! I learned a hard lesson. I gave up my extraordinary self imageyears ago so that my now-ex husband and children can be extraordinary! I just recently told a newly married younger friend of mine to never sacrifice who she is for a husband or children! I wish I had listened to this advice.

I am unique and special. I am on my way to an extraordinary life with or without Mr. Extraordinary!

 

When Netflix and Chill goes wrong

“But darling, I do not think you are in love with him…and maybe you’re a little bit too lonely to know the difference”

It all started out like safe fun.  A mutual attraction, a connection, intense chemistry, laughter and dancing.  Then, you became my happy place, my escape from my problems, my pain and my loneliness. You became the perfect remedy to my recent heartbreak…and then I looked forward to being with you, I needed you, I loved you and craved you more than I planned.

I was so happy being in the moment with you that I didn’t care about the future. I didn’t care that we were in different places in our lives and wanted different things. For once in my life, I just wanted to be in the moment, happy at last…regardless of all these obstacles and an impossible future. After all, the future may never come. True love may not find me, I’m not even sure if it exists. Maybe that is all there is.. Precious moments!

And then it all came crashing down.  You saw through me. You saw that you have become more than a friend with benefits. You never wanted to hurt me.. Safe fun was the rule!  Naturally, we have the talk… Yes, of course we can go back to being just friends. Yes, I know you don’t want to hurt me because you care about me. I can do this, I thought. But it hurts and that intense loneliness is back. The mutual attraction is still there, but you are resisting it and now I feel invisible to you.

So to satisfy your curiosity, did this experience mend my initial broken heart?? No, it didn’t.. It was a really beautiful temporary distraction but now I find myself with two broken hearts. Is that even possible??

I guess I’m just not a good candidate for Netflix and Chill.

My new rules

Do you ever wish that you had a “redo” button on your life?  Do you ever wish that you could relive the last 25 years or 15 years of your life all over again?

If I could, I would make different choices…I would be different.  I would be more independent, stronger, wilder, bolder, happier, less traditional. I would have lived by different rules, rules that I chose.

I was always the good girl. I did everything by the book, followed all the rules ( not mine..society’s rules, my parents’ rules). I was a great student. I listened to my parents. I chose a career they approved of, even though every cell of my being told me to choose the artistic field..but I took their sensible advice. I chose a husband that seemed to be picture perfect, that seemed to love me. You see, I married young because it was a good age per my society’s standards to get married. But.. I didn’t know who I wanted to be or maybe I thought I had time..

So, fast forward to the present time.. What happened? Here I am,  a woman over forty, still trying to find myself. I am recovering from a broken marriage to a narcissist, who wiped out my self-esteem and confidence.  I sacrificed who I wanted to be to support him and raise my children. Where am I now? A divorced woman ( totally not in my parents’ rule book, lol) no career, no financial independence..

This blog is about the search of who I am,  what I will become in the midst of all this chaos.. I learned that rules are meant to be broken. From now on, I make up my new rules as I go along..and they are not fixed rules.. They change as I see fit.. They are MY NEW RULES!!! I don’t know where I will be 5 years from now.. I don’t even know where I will be a month from now.  I am living a beautiful chaotic life. Yes, there is anxiety and stress, but there are also beautiful experiences that I cherish and learn from.  I am grateful for those moments and can’t wait to see who I will become.